For the Love of Kids 2004 Practical Parenting Conference

Robert Brooks, Ph.D.
Raising Resilient Children

In this presentation Dr. Brooks will describe factors that help children to deal more effectively with stress and pressure and become resilient. He will discuss (a) Why some children from birth have a more difficult time developing a positive self-image than their peers, (b) The importance of empathy in understanding and responding to our children, (c) The need to identify and reinforce each child’s “islands of competence," and (d) Specific strategies to nurture compassion, responsibility, self-discipline, hope, and resilience in our children.

Practical Parenting Tips:

1. Be an empathic parent and attempt to see the world through the eyes of your children.
2. Ask yourself, “What words would I hope my children use to describe me? What words would they actually use?” How close together are the two descriptions and if they are far apart, what can I do to bring them closer together?
3. When things have not been going smoothly in your relationship with your child, ask what you can do differently rather than expecting your child to change first. This should not be seen as giving in, but rather adopting a more effective approach.
4. Write down two or three of your child’s “islands of competence” or areas of strength. Then ask yourself whether you regularly reinforce these islands.
5. Use different situations as opportunities to engage your child in activities that reinforce decision-making and problem-solving skills. In other words, don’t feel the need to constantly tell your children what to do.
6. Become a “charitable family” by engaging in activities in which you and your children are helping others. Contributing to the well-being of others is a basic component of resilience.
7. Remember that one of your main roles as a parent is to be a disciplinarian. Also remember that discipline stems from the word disciple and should be understood as a teaching process and not a process of intimidation, anger, and/or humiliation.
8. Keep in mind that two of the main functions of discipline are to create a safe and secure environment and to nurture self-discipline or self-control. Self-discipline or self-control implies ownership and responsibility for your own behavior.
9. Help your children develop the belief that mistakes are experiences from which to learn rather than feel defeated. To facilitate this task ask yourself, “How do I handle mistakes?” and “What do I say or do to my kids when they make mistakes?”
10. Help your children to feel special and appreciated by showing unconditional love, accepting them for who they are and not who you want them to be, engaging in positive family traditions, and spending time alone with each child (the latter will especially help to lessen sibling rivalry).